I'm really into asian looking animals
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
