I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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