Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
