I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
