my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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