We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
