I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
