Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
