Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
