Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
