i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
