Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
