Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
