Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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