just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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