After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You are a genius and a whore.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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