Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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