there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
