Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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