I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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