Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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