"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
be right there i have to get my cape
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
