rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
