His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
