so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You took a bar mat shot.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
