Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm passing your future prison.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
