I want to have your abortion
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
