The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
