i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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