I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
