Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
