I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
