Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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