I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
