Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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