I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
