And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
