He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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