I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
