Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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