just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
