his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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