My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
