So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
