her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
