there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
