No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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