I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
