I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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