I think i peed on brittanys purse
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
