I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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