Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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