ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
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Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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