My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
