I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
