just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wear drunk well.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
