piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
