You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
