I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
