You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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