i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
