i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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