My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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