just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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