New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
