my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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